UP CLOSE & PERSONAL - Dan W

he makes the most outrageous faces of any Mamba player. he can tell you everything about every NBA player who ever lived. he is Dan W, aka Weevil and here's a vacation inside his mind:

1. What are you?

A beetle belonging to the Curculionide family with an elongated snout that is destructive to nuts, fruits, stems and roots.

2. If you could be any beast, living or dead, real or fictional, which beast would you be? Why?

Probably the devil. He seems to have fun, no one can beat him, and I can keep my arrogance.

3. Your career stats are 21.5% FG, 8.0 Rbs/game, 0.9 Steals/game, 0.3 blocks/game, 0.9 assists/game. Which of these numbers are you satisfied with? Which categories are you looking to improve in? What are your ideal numbers?

I'm actually digusted by all of these numbers and very disappointed in myself for mis-producing them. I'd like them to be 40%, 15 rbs, oh, actually .9 steals is pretty good for me, i'll keep it (never been my thing)... 1.5 blocks, 3 assists... basically I expect to be at least above average at everything except steals, and very efficient from the field. But I've been nothing of the sort. I will point out however, that my points per game is still right near the league average, which tells you something about me. That no matter what, I manage to get mine.

4. Some people play like Sade - smooth and graceful, yet seductively manipulative. Others play like Slayer - hard, aggressive and fast. Which musical artist best symbolizes your game, and why?
Surprising you ask this, because I recently joined a band called Sadéyer, which exclusively performs Sadé songs in a Slayer style. And that sums me up as a player as well. I'm smooth yet ungraceful - aggressive yet slow.

5. Why did you choose # 42?

1) Hitchhiker's Guide 2) LOST

It basically means that I'm the answer to the big question of life, the universe, and everything. Or the solution to the Valenzetti equation, if you prefer.

6. Your signature shot?

Right handed baby hook from the left block.

7. Have you ever kissed a basketball?

Hmm, I don't remember doing it, but it's so easy to imagine that I'll say yes. I will gladly do it if it's important for some reason. I used to enjoy catching a dirty hackey-sack in my mouth.

INJURY UPDATE: Nick's Wounded Foot

Last Monday Patrick decided to place all of his weight on Nick's foot. Nick felt an incredible amount of pain the next day, so he went to see a doctor. Turns out he has a small hairline fracture in his 2nd metatarsal. The injury has left Nick with 2 really bad results -- 1. a throbbing pain in his foot and 2. a forced fashion faux-pas: wearing suits with sneakers. no man should have to do that.

i'm tempted to change Nick's MAMBA name from Stallion to Bigfoot, but i don't know if he'd like it.

Nick was a good man who enjoyed eating antipasto, watching The Sopranos, and looking at Italy on a globe. He was fond of mozzarella and he will be missed. Return soon, Bigfoot.

stay tuned on Monday for an UP CLOSE & PERSONAL with Dan W. a.k.a Weevil.

n

Skills Tests

i've thought up a few skills tests to go along with the 3-pt. shooting contest...yet another way to infuse gambling into Mamba.

1. Passing Accuracy - 3 cones set up at varying distances. You have 1 minute to hit as many cones as you can. Closest cone is worth 1, next closest is worth 3, furthest cone worth 5. Most points wins.

2. Sharp Shooter - 60 seconds, sink as many buckets as you can. You are your own rebounder. no going inside the green line (the green line is the shortened 3 pt. line). Most points wins.

3. 6 shots - timed skills test. start at half court. sink 1 shot from 3-pt range (top of the key), 1 free throw, and 1 layup. Run to the opposite end of the court and do the same. Best time wins.

kevin a.k.a dr. sessions suggested mixing up the skills tests to keep things interesting. if anyone has any other ideas, add them in comments.

n

p.s. here's a shot of nick's bruised foot after patrick stepped on it. the injuries continue to mount.

new names and numbers

i put in the order for the mamba shirts (in black) today. below are our new identities:

Old Name	New Name / Number
Dan P	Workley, 7
Patrick W	Motorbreath, 102
Brian F	B-Flo, 77
Dan W	Weevil, 42
Phil B (R.I.P)	Eagle, 6
Neal C	Carlson, 41.6
Nick P	Stallion, 23
Kevin C	Dr. Sessions, 24
Louis K	Koster, 17
Rob P	Lightning, 8

i encourage all of you to take on these new names, not only in mamba, but in your professional and personal lives as well. have new business cards made up, monogram your work shirts, ask your lover to call you by your new name during sex, etc. This is who you are now....forever. embrace your new self.

my number is 41.6. This is also the number of my career FG%, which happens to be the highest in the league. yes, i know it's egotistical. but the world needed to know.

shirt orders go in today, we should have them in 10-14 days.

neal

need 2 players

we are 2 players short for monday's game (lou and phil). if anyone has any friends/relatives who want to play, send me an email.

neal

shirts

ok, i'm ready to order mamba shirts, but it's getting a little complicated with shirt colors. i've posted the most popular choices. pick your favorite and i'll order the color that gets the most votes:

3 point shooting contest results

monday was a big day for MAMBA - it marked the first 3 point shooting contest. here are the results (in shooting order):

Dan W - 4 points
Rob - 1 point
Kevin - 9 points
Charlie - 10 points
Nick - 7 points
Neal 13 points
Patrick - 4 points

i think the contest was a great success. afterwards Patrick started yapping something about the weight of the balls not being consistent, but i tuned out. come on dude, this is Mamba, not the olympics. man up.

going into the contest i feared facing the dangerous tom powers and the occasionally deadly hot shot koster. luckily for me, they canceled. now i have $12 in my pocket and i'm gonna take my lady out for a special meal at Sizzler. it's just that easy.

no game on next Monday, April 13. rest your knees and soak your disfigured finger in salt walter.

neal

slight adjustment to shirt design

it just occurred to me that there is no reference to basketball in the shirt design, so i added basketball lines on the apple (see picture). yay or nay?

MAMBA shirts

ok, i designed a Mamba shirt and found a place that will print them for about $23 each. That includes front design and name/number on back. One option is we could all go with the number "666," number of the beast.

so far these are the people ordering a shirt - dan w., patrick, brian, neal. email me if you want one.

here's the design. we could also go with a different colored shirt, but that would probably mean a price hike of $5-10.


you'll notice that the design has all of the essential imagery:

1. a large venomous black mamba snake

2. popular new york icons (big apple, empire state building, chrysler building)

3. satanic symbolism (i.e. satan's infamous apple temptation)

all in all, i think the design captures all that Mamba is.

neal

3 point contest

Bring $1 if you want to enter this Monday's 3 point contest. Winner takes all.

We'll just need 2 things:

1. everyone to bring their basketball
2. a stopwatch (if someone has one, bring it)

I think the NBA uses 5 balls per station with the 5th ball being the moneyball. We'll go with the same approach, though we might need to use less balls if we don't have 5.

In the case of a tie, players will play a bonus round.

n

EXCLUSIVE - the wounded man speaks

On Monday tragedy struck Mamba and captured the hearts of millions. Phil, lunging for a loose ball, destroyed his finger and screamed in pain. A scream heard across the Atlantic, a scream that left the world waiting in fear.

No one has heard or spoken to this wounded warrior - until now. For the first time EVER on the world wide web, Phil speaks about his innermost fears, struggles, demons, and the uphill battle he faces to recapture his Mamba legacy.

1. will you ever chase a loose ball again?

I will, but next time I'm going to try and use my face instead of my hands. I'd like to see how that works out.

2. after you got hurt, your finger did not look like a finger. how did that make you feel?

Right then and there I knew my hand modeling days were over. I also approach masturbation differently now.

3. tell us a little bit about your 7 hour wait at the emergency room.

The stench grew worse upon every hour, homeless men and women, drunk bums, drug addicts, and the mentally insane all contributed in their own special way to this horrible scene. I saw a pregnant crack head screaming at the top her lungs, a fat drunk latino man in a speedo with a knife wound, countless thugs and perps beat up by cops handcuffed to hospital beds, & drunk mexicans with bloody mouths. I watched a hobo masturbate for about 2 hours, I also got to smell his body crust as he removed all of his clothing so he could scratch himself. I saw a man with a hole in his cheek, and I watched about 10 min. of Sienfeld before I had minor nervous breakdown. 4. Mamba is all about being a warrior. Will you play again? I will play again, but the fear of injury has found a home in my brain. What will breakdown next?

Maybee I'll just play video games.

5. I know that you like to spend your time knitting scarves and mittens for friends and family. Does your wounded finger mean that all scarves and hats from this point forward will be less than perfect? I'ts a possibilty. 6. Louis waited with you in the emergency room for 7 hours. Do you love him? if so, how do you wish to repay him for this noble act of kindness?

I love Louis deeply. I will repay him with a nice sponge bath, I want to get him nice and clean, then walk arm and arm down roosevelt avenue and whisper sweet little thank you's in his ear. I'll take him to Mcdonals and then buy him a toy.

***************

there you have it -- the voice of a lion, brave yet trembling with the fear of the unknown. He sits and waits, watching daytime TV and nursing tender wounds. He knows that this wound will heal, but the scar will remain forever.

Hot Shot Koster was brave to stand by Phil's side. The players decide if Hot Shot is worthy of a special honor: